Enter: State of Panic
Action: use brain make a few calls
Exit: With breath of relax - mixed feelings

This morning I had a bit of a panic attack. But I guess since I am trying to trust God, that was not a wise choice. But my mind wandered.

My friend Sharon has been off the radar for the last three weeks. No e-mail. No phone. No blog. No nothing. And so my mind turns over ideas of terror . . . maybe she has been kidnapped, maybe she is in jail, maybe she went to Scotland and didn't tell anyone. #1 would probably kill me, #2 would never happen unless it was only for a night for sleeping in a public park or something, and #3 is only remotely likely. And so I used my brain.

I decided to call her home number. She has been living with her mom. But the I realize her mom is one of those block-every-number with double caller ID people. And, on top of that, I don't know if she has her maiden name back. So I think. What in the world is Sharon's mom's maiden name? St. Germaine? No, that's Carly's mom's. How weird is that? So, I give up. No, I call one of her delectible places of employment. She is still working there. Oh good, she's not in a ditch somewhere. So I find out how to get a hold of her.

CONTACT! Actual voice to voice contact. How blessed. But come to find out, she has been through the most miserable time of her life these past two weeks. So, amidst my relief, my heart is sad that Sharon has been horrible. What she needs is a good cup of hot cocoa. No, that's a lie. She works at two coffee shops.

I miss Sharon. It pains me to know she hasn't been doing well. It makes me hurt that I couldn't be there for her, but I know God was, and that is what counts.

I am learning that I cannot hold the world together, as silly as that may seem. I can't be there to help every friend, give every person a ride, take soup to every sick friend in bed. And more than that, I need to learn that I can't count on myself to do everything either for me. I need help. I need someone to bring me soup when I am sick, to help me when I am down. And I am learning that it is okay to need people. But it is still so hard.

I am not in this world alone. I can rely on others. Nobody is perfect, and every single person will not let me down every time. Trust. Trust in God, trust in others.