The Deep Sadness of Being Lonely

Recently, my heart has been aching from the sheer emotion of feeling alone. Insert brains here . . . I know I am not alone. I have people that love me. I simply feel alone.

Last night I went to a wedding of my summer roommate at the big house with the 18 girls. It was awkward and horrible. It was one of those moments where nobody realized I was there, but when they saw me, they all said hi with a smile, but that was it, nothing else. I realized, "I don't belong here." and so Ryan and I left before the toasts even began. I cried in the bathroom. My heart was so sad. It was like I was invisible.

And then there is Unlimited. I have never really felt like I belong there. I have this feeling that all around me, things are going on . . . people going to shows, having friends over, going out to dinner, but it is all behind my back. I feel like the other 9 members of Unlimited hang out and hide it from me. I know that is a lie. But I just feel like I have never really been a part of it. That makes me sad.

I have my units of friends scattered about. I have my beloved Autumn, and my dear Jessica. I will always have Sharon and she will always have me. I have other units here and there, like Charity and my small group girls. I have Amber and Tom, but what this last week or month or year has shown me is that I truly have Ryan and he truly has me. He stands by me when nobody else does. I am amazed at his dedication to me. He is my best friend. It almost aches to know how much he loves me. Or maybe that is just leftover feeling from the loneliness.