Not a time to kill, but extra time to waste. I just thought that should be clarified lest my tone be misinterpreted and taint my entire entry, such as a one, "Man Voice" happened to be. So onward.
I am very confused as of late. Since school began a few days ago, I have felt incredibly discombobulated, and I have had two emotional breakdowns in the process. I seem to be flipping out about the oddest things. I have questioned Ryan and I hate that. I hate that when I bring something up, I am sad because I know it will make him feel like a failure. And then I become more and more upset because of what first got to me, then making Ryan feel bad, then feeling bad for making him feel bad, but remembering the original hurt. And for some reason, I can't just snap myself out of it.
I went to the wedding show on Saturday with Amber. We had a great time. But I shouldn't have gone. I think it put my mind too far advance for where we are. I just need to live in the moment. I think that could possibly be part of my struggles as of late.
In order to control everything (which is bad anyways), I have to constantly be thinking ahead and overanalyzing the world (which is double bad). And then I realize that wonderful moments pass me by. It's time to live in today. Less planning, more living. Hmm. That sounds good right now.
1 comment:
About the meltdowns, first things first: la tension pre-menstral cause la détresse psychologique.
I think going to the wedding show messed me up too. Not in the planning-ahead sense, but I suddenly felt so competitive against the other brides and that's not usually like me. I think the wedding show honors a world system that pursues status and money. The wedding show puts priority on getting things cheap, grabbing a deal, and being bombarded with one-time-only offers. But we cannot serve both God and mammon. Since we are meant to put our trust in God, we feel anxious when we follow the other way.
I thought I was prepared because I wasn't planning on spending money. Yet it took me a while to clear my head and refocus on what is important about a wedding:
You can't buy meaningful moments, a handsome adoring groom, vows that last a lifetime, the sheer delight of rejoicing with good friends, or the grin-and-laugh reality of joining two disfunctional yet lovable families.
I have to say, the best part of the day wasn't those crazy grab bags, it was spending time with you.
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