P..M..S..

So I'll let you in on a little secret . . . ok, its no secret. But I guess its not talked about too much. I have struggled big time with Mommy Depression. But today, it was compounded by the hormonal insanity of PMS, and a horrible sleepless night.

Sleep. Oh sleep. Have I ever told you how much I miss it? Some kids sleep. Some don't. Julia is a don't. I thought it was all our fault, that we didn't train her right. But one of Ryan's coworkers is a great dad with two girls and they did the exact same sleep training with both of their two daughters. The older one sleeps. The younger one doesn't. Julia is a doesn't.

Anyways, after a HORRIBLE night and the cursed gift of PMS, my mommy depression ran rampant for about 45 minutes today. I wanted to cry doing my makeup. I had to turn on the radio just to drown out my dark, disproportional and irrational thoughts of agony. Everything was so difficult, so impossible, so heart breakingly depressing.

It was then that I realized that my entire life has been destroyed by having a kid.

NOW LET ME QUALIFY!!! My OLD life has been destroyed. My career. My body. My finances. Hobbies. Date nights. Recreation. Friends. Community Group. Travel plans. Heck, it even wrecked our marriage for a while. Having a kid literally sent my old life down the shredder.

I now have a NEW life! That's for sure. I have the most beautiful baby girl. Her giggles and snuggles erase any of the nighttime horror (ok, well almost). I adore her. And I love seeing Ryan as a Dad.

But seriously folks, the old Cari died. Big time. And I am still grieving the loss.

So what I think I want to say is this: Becoming a mom has been a very difficult, sorrowful, painful, sleepless, exhausting journey for me. Julia is worth it - no doubt. But if any of you moms out there are struggling and feeling badly about it, don't listen to the perfect/all-together mammas. It is ok to not be happy all the time. It is ok to struggle. It is ok to be real. And let me just say that PMS made today VERY "real."