Life becomes more clear as time goes by. How frustrating. I just want to know everything now. What's up with this whole trusting God thing? I mean, I understand it is ALWAYS for the best, but sometimes I feel like I would be willing to settle for really really good, just to know now. But then my mom's voice comes back in my head, and I see her teaching me to lean on God, and it is all okay.

Did I mention my mom? Hi mom, if you're reading this. Anyways. My mom is really sick. She has gone from the really cool spunky mom to someone who can't even hang out with people at church because the scents practically knock her out. And it kills me. I can't stand to think that everyday she feels sick. She gets to the point where she can't walk and just starts crying. And this is what frustrates me. Why her? When will she get better? Now, please! My mom rarely shows weakness, and I don't really know why. Anyway, she just kind of casually mentioned how she is feeling lonely not being able to be a part of a community. Again, with the killing. I know how horrible that makes me feel, so I can't even imagine how much she must be hurting, even though she tries to be strong. And she is. Believe me she is. I just wish there was something I could do.

Okay, anywho. So end that vent. That wasn't what I had planned on. So, guess what I am learning? Are you ready for this?

For the past, well, forever, I have felt invisible. And I am finally figuring out why. I need people that are constant in my life. People that don't change, that don't decide after a year that well, maybe they don't want to be my friend, that decide when I turn 18 to move across the world (which by the way has turned out fabulous, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt). I need friends that only go deeper rather than a true honest person that all of the sudden turns into a flake of a friend.

People like Amber, and Sharon and Tom and Niki. I rarely see them, but there is never any stupidness of well, you haven't called me, so I'm not gonna answer this call and let it go to a message so you don't understand that I am really desperate to talk to you. None of that. We're all busy kids, and we understand. But what I don't understand is how some people, not mentioning any names, cough cough.

But I don't understand how some people can go from being, say a 4 day a week friend to a 1 or no day a week friend by what feels the flip of a coin. Where do they get their reasoning? I don't understand. I can understand going from a 4 to a 2 maybe, or maybe 1 and a good call, but to go from a growing friendship to basic screw-you-ness really, well, it makes me frustrated.

Here's where the invisible me comes in. I get close to a person and begin an honest friendship, both of us opening more, and there must be something that I do, maybe I start twitching or something, because all of the sudden, the friend dissappears. And it makes me feel as though the second they got close they realized that what is in my heart is what they don't want and said goodbye to me without ever letting me know. And then I don't see these people for weeks at a time and when I do it is awkward because they know they are acting like a jerk and that I am hurt.

WHY!

So, Jessica has come up with this new delightful idea. A love leash (is that how you spell leesh? leasch? aaahh). An extendo-leash help by her and Autumn. I guess that game plan is for me to not get close to people. But that feels like such a waste. Hmm. We'll see. So anyways, hopefully big things are happening.

I feel fabulolus knowing why I have felt invisible. And the great thing is that I have friends that make me feel extremely visible. Autumn, Jessica, A guy from last year that always has that look in his eye that says, I'd marry you in an instant if you loved me, a weird guy that still asks me out even though I keep turning him down, people that stay the same, regardless of how they know me. I like that.

More later.