March 31, 2004

And so I find myself again, after a wonderful night out, with a bruised heart. I slight throbbing of ache being pressed upon by time, the fist of doubt and a feeling of unworthiness. Stifled by a desire to maintain life and breath, I restrain myself from love, from freedom, from acting out of my heart. And instead, I hold myself back as he tells me about this girl and that girl, one he truly cares about. He tells me they are headed in the same direction. He doesn’t know either way, if he cares or not. But I do. I care, about him. I want to go deeper. I want to dive tenaciously into his life and bless him every day. I want to wake up in anticipation of how I can give my life to him, how I can make him smile, laugh, how I can make him care for me.

And I know he does care, but does he care enough to see me, to value me, to honor me, to write me when he goes, to attempt to see me again? Do I mean anything to him? How can we be so incredibly simpatico, and yet still feel distance pounding in through my skull like a 2am migraine? Will he ever see me? Will I ever tell him just how much I care? And if so, will I become one of a string of silly girls that have fallen for those dirty jeans and 5 o’clock shadow with a low voice that mimics my laughter only to spur his on to more delight minute by minute? Will this soft-hearted rock ever hear my heart’s cry?

Probably not. And what will I do? I’ll die a little. I’ll cry. I’ll wake up and hope he calls. I’ll see him on campus and cherish that hug that surprised me and two arms and a waft of cologne will engulf my heart into a calm serenity of joy and yet a nervous wreck of knowing moments like these end. And I’ll say goodbye to him in 10 weeks. I’ll send him with a little care package, probably one of many he’ll receive from a girl here and there. Will he talk about me to his new friends? Probably not.

And in the future, when I hear he is married, will I be happy? Will I be blessed to know that he is happy? I don’t know, but I will breathe, which is what I am trying to do now, and not doing too well at it.

How can I possibly dance like nobody is watching or love like I have never been hurt when I know that whatever I might dream of happening is leaving in three months?